Bright lights and exciting things!!!

Today I decided to chuck in my Anthrozoologist plans and go into writing, directing and starring in musicals.

My first production will be a blockbuster entitled “Rednecks Ahoy!”

It’s about Macca, your everyday guy down the road who goes pig shooting on friday nights with his best mate Spew. His pig dogs are called Bella, Diesel and Tupac.

The advertising campaign (because we all know it begins with the marketing) will focus on the amazing journey Macca must go through, and the side-splittingly funny situations he finds himself in along the way. It will be a mainstream hit that is critically acclaimed. It will become a modern day classic, and children will study it in schools. And not just as a lightweight pop culture piece either! We’re talking a Shakespeare replacement here.

Most of all it will be a suitable beneficiary of government funding. It will cause a revolution in the creative industries. The government will finally have something to point to in their defence, when they are criticised for giving thousands of dollars to artists undertaking pieces of work such as those that involve putting the faces of Anthony Mundine, Tony Abbott and Russell Crowe onto pineapples.

You will be able to take your kids and your grandmother to see it. Although they may need to avert their eyes during the climax, as it will be very realistic due to the use of some very expensive special effects. It will be a brutally honest pig hunting scene where Dazza is gored by a MASSIVE pig, and it is up to Macca and Bella to save the day.

Gran and the kids will be on their feet and cheering as Macca saves his mate and wins the heart of Shazza, who shows her appreciation for Macca’s skills with a shotgun:

“Strewth Macca! That pig’s skull is ******* huge! You’re so amazing!”

(I can see a fast food chain tie-in here. “Being a Macca is hard work, and we know that better than anyone…” or “For the real Macca experience…” or “For a breakfast worthy of a pig hunting hero, you can’t go past our triple bacon…”)

Hearts will soar as the curtain comes down on a scene of rednecks having their dreams come true. It will be Shazza’s voice ringing in the ears of the audience as they leave the theatre in a hushed state, contemplating the spectacle they have just borne witness to:

“Macca! Get your ******* pig’s skull off my side of the bed!”

Naturally I’m going to play Shazza.