“I saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus” - victim’s therapy bill to run into the millions

It’s hot and humid, and the smell of sunscreen is in the air! The beach is calling me, and my cousins are all on school holidays. It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

I’ve even done most of my Christmas shopping. I am little miss super organisation this year. Which is brilliant! How good am I! I went to a shopping centre at 9:30 on Saturday morning and it was absolutely over run with frazzled looking people with distant expressions, and very full trolleys.

Here are some suggestions for breaking with your usual Christmas/festive season routine. Don’t do them under any circumstances! People will think you are rude/nerdy/silly/devoid of imagination for doing something you read on a blog.

Suggestion 1
Compile a list of people who you used to be in Christmas card contact with, but who you stopped trading cards with years ago. Go through the list carefully, and cross out any mortal enemies, stalkers, in-laws, etc.

Write each of the remaining people a Christmas card with a heartfelt greeting in it. Something like “May all your Christmas wishes come true”, or pretty much any other greeting ripped off from a greeting card company.

Put the cards in envelopes, address them, stamp them, and put festive stickers on them. You should use a silver pen on a red envelope so that postal workers will receive extra overtime pay. This is the season for giving after all.

Once this is completed, you then wait until the last possible moment before you send them.

Proper planning will ensure that they arrive on the last mail day before Christmas. This will not allow them an opportunity to reply, giving you the upper hand when it comes to the festive cheer pecking order.

The beauty of Goodwill To All/Peace On Earth mind games, is that you will probably get away with them. People only get mad at others for doing manipulative things under the premise of niceness on TV. (True!)

Suggestion 2
When you give presents to people, gush about what a great present it is, and how you can’t wait to see their face when they open it. This is especially good when the present is a bit crap, like a pair of socks with snowmen on them.

Nothing like a bit of performance anxiety at present unwrapping time.

If I received a pair of socks like that I would name them Snowy 1 and Snowy 2

Suggestion 3
Return to your youth and make gifts out of egg cartons and macaroni. Use LOTS of glitter!

That’s not a bad idea actually…

Suggestion 4
Dress as Santa and walk around a busy city shopping centre shouting out Hamlet’s soliloquy.

Suggestion 5
Give everyone the exact same gift. Possibilities include spanners with people’s names written on them, toy camels, wind chimes, or novelty aprons.

The best effect might be achieved by giving everyone matching shirts, but making sure none of them realise that they have all received the same gift. Then invite everyone to an outdoor event in apublic place, and suggest that if they don’t wear the shirt you gave them, that it will be some kind of deep personal affront to your relationship.

Lots of people wearing the same shirt!

I love the silly season. Me = silly. Therefore, this is MY SEASON!