My poor little country has a few self-image issues...

The people in charge of the great land of ‘Ostrayah’ have just paid some very large amounts of money (in very large sacks) to an advertising agency. It seems that there aren’t enough people coming here to give us money just for being cool, so we had to get in some consultants to work on our image. We’d like to be one of the popular kids, instead of being that slightly eccentric kid that you’ve seen around but you’re not really sure where you know them from…

I really feel for my country. I was one of those eccentric kids!

The advertising agency came up with some glossy TV ads to be shown overseas. From what I’ve seen, the ads star the usual cast of exceptionally good looking people. This is only natural, because we all look like Nicole Kidman, Heath Ledger, Russell Crowe and Olivia Newton John... (Really! We do!) Basically the people prance about in picturesque settings, and then say “So where the bloody hell are you?”

Some people hate it, less people love it, I just hope that people from other cultures don’t sit at home thinking "Yes they're pretty, but someone needs to wash their mouths out with soap!"

It's such a weird slogan for them to come up with. I don’t know anyone who would say it, let alone say it in the context of inviting people from other cultures to come and see how wonderful everything is here... They’re spending $180 million on this, so I hope they know what they’re doing! Actually, that’s not really as much money as it sounds, because it’s $180 million of our little ‘Ostrayan’ dollars…

Personally I think people will want to come visit, as long as they keep showing pictures of cool stuff that we have…






(If I had $180 million to spend on this post I'd have some better quality photos...)

Photos of equids

Photo album sharing time!


Donkey 1


... and Donkey 2.

First time for everything...

I haven't done one of these quiz thingies in here before. It's triggered a bit of Muppet Show nostalgia...

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know.You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems.Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green.Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

I'll add that to the list of things I never would have known if I hadn't read undr's lovely blog. Sure, it's taken me about a week to actually do the darned thing, but I got there eventually!

Kermie quotes:

And now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here?

And now I want you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers, because if you open them you'll see this.

And I only just figured out where those electronic music artistes Statler and Waldorf got their name from:

Waldorf: I've got half a mind to leave.
Statler: If you had half a mind, you wouldn't be here.

Waldorf: Well, the show is moving very quickly tonight.
Statler: Oh, yes, someone must have told them that it's harder to hit a moving target.

Quotey-oatey-oatey

A couple of little quotes…

"You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake"

-- Jeanette Rankin, as quoted in a book about horse training that I was reading today. It seems that some people see horse riding as a battle...


“You’ll have to read it, I can’t, I don’t have any eyes”

-- My grandmother, as said to me one time when she wasn’t wearing her glasses.

“Isn’t it a lovely day? My patio’s on fire”

I’m a little sleepy today. Sorry if this is a little more rambly and jumbled than usual, but I have to post something (I think I’m addicted to blogging!) I have been deprived this week because the computer has been cranky and everything has been a bit blech.

Here is what I did this morning:

I got out of bed, let the dog outside, came back in and brushed my teeth. Halfway through brushing my teeth I realised that I hadn’t had breakfast yet… So yes, breakfast tasted lovely, but it would have been better if I hadn’t put twice as much milk on my cereal as I actually needed. Once you pour it in, you can’t pour it back! Then I did a bit of walking in and out of the house forgetting stuff, going back to get it, getting in the house and forgetting what the thing was that I went back for…

I drove to the paddock, parked the car, put my headphones in my ears, pulled the lever to open the boot, got out, locked the door, opened the boot, checked my pocket… erm, what did I do with the keys???

Oh right. It’s probably a good idea to take them out of the ignition…

Luckily I was driving a hatchback, so instead of dealing with the embarrassment of finding someone to help me break in and get them, I had to deal with the embarrassment of climbing into the boot of the car, squeezing through the little gap into the back seat and contorting myself between the front seats so I could reach the keys. I got out of the car through the rear door, and looked up to see my horse leaning over the fence staring at me…

“How quaint these humans are!”

Glad someone found it entertaining…

(Oz-ish to US-ish translation notes: the boot = the trunk. Not sure if that's well known or not... whenever I assume something is obvious, it turns out to be some obscure Australian thing, that not even other Australians understand...)

So yeah, I'm tired… and it's only 8pm.

Another Quick Round of Good vs Evil

The Chaser’s War on Everything = Good
I love it when people who deserve to have TV shows actually get them. The first episode of The Chaser’s War on Everything was on last night for all you slackers (and people from exotic overseas locations) who missed it.

New shows usually take a while to get going, and in my crap-at-reviews-so-why-the-hell-am-I-doing-something-dangerously-close-to-being-one opinion, it was a bloody good start. If you were going to compare it to other Australian comedy shows over the past couple of years… DON’T! Because then you would have to watch The B Team, and nothing is worth that.

You can probably bring it down to the fact that The Chaser folk have brains that work, they have been comedy-ing together for some years now, and there are lots of them. They is knowin’ what they is doin’ y’all. Yeeharrrrrrrrr!

Plus you’ve got to be pretty committed to a joke to put sausages down your pants and walk through a large group of cops with drug sniffer dogs…

Dirty Tricks in Multiple Choice Questions = Evil
For example:

1. The thing that is not the thing of this thing could not be said to not be:

a) that thing that is not the other thing
b) the other thing to the left of the thing under the first thing
c) this thing that is opposite to the other thing’s antonym
d) all or none or not the other of the above

Clearly the highest priority for the sick twisted edumacators who write this type of question is to weed out the people who are too impatient to sit there and read the damn things properly. They are clearly all perverts. Yep.

Ok, so perhaps that’s a teeny tiny exaggeration… (I’ll have to think about that.) The ones I’m cranky about are in a textbook as self-testing questions to help you with your learning. They are about as helpful as… my stunted brain when I’m trying to come up with a cool analogy.

Canadians Aussies winning stuff = Good
Did you see? An Australian got a gold medal at the winter Olympics. How super cool, with our lack of snow and stuff… A lot of people I know are going with the “he was born, raised, trained, etc, in Canada and only just moved here so he’s not really Australian” argument.

I think that argument is tawdry triple tripe with a twist! (That’s a new ski jump that I invented.)

Hello! Migrant nation! To quote one of the few patriotic songs we have:

We are one, but we are many
and from all the lands on earth we come
we share a dream, and sing with one voice
I am, you are, we are Australian

Were those little kiddies in the aeroplane ad singing for nothing? Should we just tromp all over the legacy of the Aussiest bloke of all in our Canadian ski boots?


That is a man that can dance!

So yes, the mogul winning mogul is all ours now! (But if New Zealand ever wants Russel Crowe back they are quite welcome to him)

Technologically collapsing = Evil
The blogger gremlins (or possibly the ghost of Buddy Holly) have stopped me from posting new stuff in here a couple of times this week. I also had problems just trying to read other people’s lovely blogs.

*sniff*

I’ve missed you good blogging people…

Technologically rising like a phoenix from the ashes = Good
The fact that you are reading this (aw, how nice are you?) shows that I am ba-aaack!

The Goodies win again!

Do you want to be a Polyester Bride?

I am very smiley right now. I went music shopping today, I haven’t been in ages and I went a little nuts. I went into the store with my gift voucher to buy 2 CD’s that I’ve wanted for ages and I came out with another 7…

But it’s ok, I didn’t smash my tawdry little budget. The 7 CD’s cost a total of $42. Mucho happiness! Five of them were singles from the bargain bin, but I like the songs and I have inherited a “thing” for bargains from my grandmother. Of course I’m going to have to make myself a compilation CD out of them, because they are mostly just three songs and I’m way too lazy to keep swapping the CD over.

The two (belated pressies) that I intended to buy:
The Boat People – yesyesyesyesyes
Josh Pyke – Feeding the Wolves

Singles:
67 Special – Walking away
The Pictures – I don’t care
Nine Black Alps – Shot down
Louis XIV – Finding out true love is blind
After The Fall – The fighter

Albums that I should have bought years ago:
Liz Phair – whitechocolatespaceegg
System of a Down – Toxicity

These last two albums helped me through times when things were a little confusing. I had Polyester Bride by Liz Phair stuck in my head for my entire first week at university. I remember walking around in the maze of buildings, completely lost and singing this in my head:

do you want be a Polyester Bride?
or do you want to hang your head and die?
do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?
do you want to flap your wings and fly
away from here?

System of a Down make me smile. I used to think that was odd, because they are essentially a heavy metal band singing about serious stuff, but they are a band with a brain, and that’s always good. This came out around the time when I was finishing uni, and realising that perhaps a career plan would have been a good idea…

Actually they don’t really fit in with the rest of my list very well. “One of these things is not like the other”. I’m listening to it as I write this. I love the way he sings “toxicity”. I’ve decided that if I try to describe why I love it, it will spoil it. I am way too clumsy for that sort of thing.

That gives me another thing to cross off my potential future careers list:

Potential Future Careers List
Hairdresser
Aeroplane Pilot
Professional Soccer Player
Queen of New Zealand
Rat Breeder
Piano Tuner
Music Journalist
Weird Font Artist

When you cross that finish line you’ll know…

Smell that Olympic spirit! It started wafting in before the games had even started. I think I got the first sniff when every country in the world aired Cool Runnings in unison.

Some people say, you know they can’t believe
Jamaica, we have a bobsled team!

I watched the opening ceremony, and there was not a Jamaican in sight! How disappointing…

Having an Aussie team is almost as odd as having a Jamaican team. Strangely enough we did get a couple of gold medals last time around. Good old Steven Bradbury! He only won because everyone else in the men’s speed skating final fell over. He just skated past the tangled heap of elite speed skaters on the floor, and then it was GOLD! GOLD! GOLD FOR AUSTRALIA!!!



It was the most awesome sporting moment ever.

Alisa Camplin won gold in the aerial skiing, but there are fears that she may have to retire soon due to recurring injuries. Apparently landing a ski jump with a bung knee isn’t something you can keep up for very long...



Fortunately her superb attention to dental hygiene should support her well into her old age.

I've never seen snow. Is it awesome?

Internet Brilliance

With my computer I can do amazing things.

Today I made a little mural using webdings:

ABCDEFGHIJKMPQRST

Whoooooooooooooo!

Spooky stuff is happening here in Skvid City this week.

The other day I had a comment I wrote go missing, and now I come back after a little absence and find that the last post I put here has gone! It is completely and utterly missing, which can mean only one thing... poltergeist!!!

I'd better be careful, that post must be floating around here somewhere. It could be hovering behind me this very second, ready to smack me in the face when I eventually sense its presence and turn around.......... really............ slowly............

(But what this poltergeist doesn't realise is that I know how to play that game. It can't hit me until I turn around, because that would be against the Skvid City Poltergeist's Guild Code of Conduct. All I have to do is sit here forever, and never ever turn around. Too easy!)

This series of strange events (all two of them) began after I posted my Mr Squiggle post! I have now concluded that putting a picture of Mr Squiggle in your blog is bad luck. In fact it is the blogging equivalent of saying 'Macbeth'. It is possible that I have stumbled on something huge here. A new superstition for the modern world!

So... has anyone else had this problem?

"Everything's upside down these days"

Mr Squiggle, the man from the moooooon!

I'm not sure which co-host he is in the photo with, but that hair has 1980's written all over it. You've got to love the 80's! I did. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, wore the leg warmers, burnt all the photos...

That puppet is a legend, as were the other puppets on the show. Unfortunately I can't find photos of them to post in here, so if you're not Australian you'll have to trust me that they were awesome. Bill Steamshovel, Gus the snail, Rocket, and good old Blackboard! He would've kicked Oscar the Grouch's ass right out of Sesame Street. If he could be bothered. We need more clinically depressed characters on children's television...

The show started on TV the year my mother was born. Mr Squiggle, Barbie and the great mother of Skvid. 1959 - what a year!