One man and his dog, went to mow a meadow

I think of little bits of weirdness most days, but today I wrote some of them down...

Sock Dilemma
I have an odd sock that I don’t recognise. There’s no way my washing is getting mixed up with anyone else’s. Where the hell did it come from???

Usually people complain about socks disappearing, not appearing.

Oh wow. Perhaps my washing machine is some kind of sock portal…

How super cool! I have a wormhole in my laundry!


Silliness ROCKS!
I enjoy silliness. See above for an example...

Actually, see pretty much any post in this blog for an example.

I think being silly isn’t the same thing as being immature.

I think bitches going “Oh you’re so immature!” are being immature. They lack the maturity to realise that a life without silliness is no life at all! In fact there are times when being silly is the only sensible course of action!

I think that I may be doing a bit of mangled misquoting there. My apologies to aficionados of pedantry. After all, you've got to look after your peeps...


Idiocy
I unload my idiocy in here (and other virtual places), so that the people in my life don’t cop such a high dose of it.

And I wrote a different section for this, because idiocy is completely different to silliness.

Those who can't see that are clearly stee-u-pid!


Lunacy
Involves worship of cellestial bodies.

I love the sound of you walking away

I don’t like having to read poetry about pets dying. It is just depressing. I know it’s all beautiful to commemorate the deep and meaningful relationship you have with your pet, and I don’t disagree with the act of writing poetry (well, sometimes…). Writing is a great way of working through grief. I once woke up in the middle of the night and wrote a letter to an individual who had passed away that day. It is the best way of dealing with grief that I have found so far, I give it a rating of five soggy tissues out of five.

With the poetry, the bit that I feel is unnecessary is the bit after the writing where people feel the need to share their bad poems with other people. Then added to this is when others respond with statements like “I know just how you feel” and “that’s beautiful, it’s really moving”. People who respond like this are of two kinds. The first group are heartfelt in their comments, which means that they probably have some unfinished grief of their own to attend to. The other group are just saying what they feel they have to say, because you can’t tell someone their poem sucks when they are in a delicate emotional state! Unfortunately this then encourages the grieving person to continue writing more poetry, and lets others know that this is apparently acceptable behaviour. The person who is grieving has a good excuse for not thinking straight. Unfortunately they are breaking a basic rule – Thou shalt not share bad poetry!

Perhaps people are under the impression that grief increases their creative ability. Just because the depth of the emotion is deeper, it doesn’t mean your skills have increased. The power of emotion is not linearly equated with technical prowess. If people tried to use painting as a way of paying tribute, then I wouldn’t be having this problem. Bad painting is a lot easier for the artist to detect than bad poetry is for the poet.

Apart from bad art, I do not want to read another poem where someone has clearly projected their emotional deficiencies onto their darling little Misty, Fido or Gargamel. They need to feel special and loved, so they become convinced that they have some kind of deep emotional bond with their dog that no-one else could possibly imagine. When their dog looks into their eyes, they are looking deep into their soul...

And I suppose the dog is thinking: “Sometimes when I look all solemn like this - I get treats!!!”

I have another problem with this situation, which is that some of the dogs that appear to have really strong bonds with their owners are like this because they are mentally unbalanced in some way. Separation anxiety, dislike of other people and dogs, etc, can be misinterpreted as being “love” for their owner. In reality these are problems involving fear, and they need to be addressed before puppy can relax and live a normal life. Some owners are selfish and/or ignorant, and they use their dog’s behaviour as an ego boost without considering the anxiety suffered by the dog. I personally wouldn’t want to be in a situation where the dog only hangs out with me because it is too terrified to do anything else. It’s attachment by default, and I don’t like being only the default. (Because I’m special… right?)

It seems that most people like to think that their pet is special in some way. It’s usually just because they’ve spent a lot of time with it. When you have time to observe all of the cute little character traits, then your pet starts to become distinguishable as an individual. You also know it better than other people, so that is a unique thing that you have. It’s the same as how your (human) friends become special to you because you know them. Not because you are flukily living in the spot where all the amazing people are.

People the world over share a bunch of traits that make amazing people equally likely to appear anywhere. Of course this also means that there are low-life hogswindlers everywhere as well. Unfortunately this is not the same kind of Peace On Earth/We Are The World, type of thought.

Sorry about that.

Ok, I’ve started off with a rant about Dead Pet PoetryTM and ended up harping on about the ways of the world…

I think it may be time to finish, I’ve gotten all serious in here and it’s freaking me out. Plus this post is way too long. Oops!

Get a haircut and get a real job

Major excitement! I got a haircut!

Wow! My life is like a rollercoaster! And by that I don’t mean it’s an out of date form of entertainment (rollercoasters are sooo last century dude!)

It’s been 9 months since the last one and I think I‘ve finally got over my Tonsurephobia!

I think it was brought on by childhood memories of the hairdresser from HELL!

Gleefully ripping the hair out of small children’s innocent scalps. Running her rubbery fingers through your hair…

*head between knees*

Ok, breathing deeply now.

So next I’ll have to get a “real job”. I’ll have finished my course very soon, then it’s back to the “real world” for me!

*head between knees*

Back to the haircut, it reminded me of one of Steve’s rants from Coupling. It was the one about the lock on the toilet door. The bit I remembered was:

“...we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut *recreationally*”

Such a cute show. The rest of that rant is on IMDb . Of course the show is mostly about Jeff really. You can tell that even just from the quotes. Sadly he is not in it for all of the episodes, as in the later series he mysteriously appears only as an invisible character on the other end of the phone…

Got me thinking about shows that are really made by having “freaks” on them. I figure there must be a few.

My list so far:

Hey Dad (scary that it was first to spring to mind…) - Betty and Nudge
House - Dr House (and yes I do love Hugh Laurie, did you really need to ask?)
Dr who - The majority of the cast
Blackadder - I love Baldrick
Vicar of Dibley - Alice, Hugo, the entire cast really
My Family - Nick, the bimbo neice girl adnthat guy stalking her
Kumars at No 42 - Probably not really freaks
3rd Rock from the sun - um, it's about aliens
TLC - Tim Brooke-Taylor's character
Seinfeld - Kramer
Roger Ramjet - Roger Ramjet

Pretty crap list. Needs work. Or it needs to be abandoned and never spoken of again.

Actually you could think of any TV show and then pick out the freakiest character and stick it in that list.

So anyway, I love my new hair. It’s the first time I’ve done the girly hair thing properly. I usually just have long hair that gets trimmed every summer when it gets too hot for me to be bothered with it anymore.

I am turning into a girly girl! I even wear pink! Argh! Next thing you know I'll be getting a pedicure in one of those beauty sweat shop places (apparently there is a manicurist slave trade going on in Australia, but I can't find any info yet).

But at least for now I still don't know "*what* in the name of God's *ass* is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie!"

Ah! The many pleasures of a well written British comedy!

I feel like I look and I look like Shrek

I remember a girl from my high school saying:

“I just went past the art room and someone was singing a song about bestiality…only at this school!”

Now I remember thinking that was crap. Sure, I did a forced laugh and agreed with her at the time, but ten years later I’m thinking she was wrong.

I have always had this peculiar knack for great timing.

I have been assisted in my conclusion by her bitchy comment in my grade twelve yearbook thingy…”Good luck, but don’t try too hard to be funny”

Yeah ok, just take my insecure attempts to fit in and slam them in my face! Because you really needed to point out my biggest source of teen humiliation, and thankyou so much for doing it in a book that I'm supposed to look back on nostalgically. Next time, write "Good luck! Party hard!"

I console myself with the fact that she’s a messed up chick who has now got a rep for slutty behaviour… I'm not gloating over her "fall from grace". Honest. That is an unfortunate thing, but perhaps it goes toward explaining the writing of insensitive comments in inappropriate places.

Anyway, my original point was about how everyone thinks their experience of stuff is unique, and how that is bollocks! I admit I did get a little distracted by ME for a bit (who wouldn't?), but I’ll go back to the original point now. It’s as if we were supposed to be the weirdest school in Brisbane or something. But we definitely weren’t. The net has proved a useful tool for helping me realise that freaks are everywhere. I had suspected this for some time, but the net has confirmed it.

The other Real Life Experience I am basing this on is how people have often said things like:

“Don’t mind my family, they’re all crazy!”

Or

“Oh, when the Smiths get together we are one loud bunch!”

Everyone’s family is loud, especially if it's a large family. It’s not some kind of special thing you have to explain to people.

And “crazy” can mean anything from your uncle wearing a novelty apron at the barbecue, to schizophrenia running in your family…

Perhaps my little observations say more about the kind of people I’ve met in my life than anything else.

Anyway, I still think people like to think they are special, or at the very least different in some way. Although humans are also very into fitting in with groups. Which at first seems a little incongruous, but I think I get it now. You want to fit in with your group, but you want your group to be unique and special.

People drive me up the grizzle-tootin' wall sometimes! I'm sure I wouldn't find them so darned interesting if I wasn't one myself.

Me = human. Me= selfish. Skvid = shellfish.

Schoolies week: I'm not social, just a good drinker

Actually the title is a portion of my daily dose of gibberish. I hardly ever drink. Plus it's probably a misquote of the actual song lyric...

Ah, Aussie culture! Finish school and head to a naff tourist trap for the rite of passage that is Schoolie's week! Binge drinking and sleeping with random strangers. The carefree days of youth!

Of course some idiot talkback radio guy is on some kind of crusade to have the whole thing shut down just because his son got “King Hit”.

And the headline reads:

Talkback Radio Host Uses Son’s Assault to Further Career

There are several obvious questions here. Such as, if it’s all so dangerous and everything why did John Miller let his son go in the first place? Surely he can’t claim he didn’t realise what it was like.

Oh no, he wouldn’t need to do that. Silly me! He’s a talkback radio host, he can go off about anything he likes with none of the normal rules applying…

I guess as a cultural tradition it is probably better than being married off in exchange for a couple of goats. The best difference being that you can choose what kind of schoolies experience you have. Mine (7 years ago!!! Yes I am an old old woman now!) was basically just relaxing near a beach (which I think is much better than relaxing near a beech, but then I'm not much of a botanist).

I remember watching a strange SBS movie (yes yes, tautology again) where ghosts possessed people so they could have sex. Strange what you remember really.

Don’t get me wrong, that wasn’t the highlight of the week or anything!

Actually I should claim to have been such a wild party animal that I can’t remember anything.

Nah. No-one would believe it! I’m such a nanna! I mean, "party animal"??? Who says that anymore?

I love watching the TV news coverage of schoolies! I imagine the news crews searching out the teenager making the biggest drunken-yob-style idiot of themselves…

I bet the stations compete. The most outrageous embarrassment wins! Sprawled on the beach, yelling indecipherable obscenities at the camera, looking messy and inebriated…

I also imagine the poor parents staring at the screen hoping not to see their kids!

Hang in there mums and dads!

Bewdiful!

I have been doing fun stuff! I think that I will now prove that being bored, distracted and/or crabby leads to more interesting output. For me anyway. When I have had a good time on the weekend, I only write boring stuff about how things were nice...

*contented sigh*

I went to The Beautiful Girls show at the Tivoli on Thursday! Gotta love winning free tickets! It was a really good show. I'm not a music critic so I can't go into any more detail than that. All I can do is put a sad face :( because I didn't manage to get someone to tape the whole thing as it was played live on triple j on thursday. They only played half the show on the replay on sunday :( So I only have a tape of half of it.

I haven't seen a band in such a long time! It was sooooooo good! :D

Also went to Equitana Open Air on the weekend. That was good too! Horse shows are always good though! Me = biased.

So far this post shows that I am really boring when I have a life!

"I went somewhere and it was fun. Blah Blah Blah."

So I guess I'll try and have a rant...

about...

How autocorrect has stuffed up my ability to spell? So now I have to paste this into a certain word processing program to make sure I don't put in any glaringly obvious stuff ups? Most annoying.

That wasn't a rant!!!

Why the hell do I want to put a rant in? It's not like I'm ultra ranty in here anyway! What the hell am I on about!!!!

Ok, that was close enough for today. Perhaps if I build up slowly. We can't all be instant talkback radio shock jocks!

Bright lights and exciting things!!!

Today I decided to chuck in my Anthrozoologist plans and go into writing, directing and starring in musicals.

My first production will be a blockbuster entitled “Rednecks Ahoy!”

It’s about Macca, your everyday guy down the road who goes pig shooting on friday nights with his best mate Spew. His pig dogs are called Bella, Diesel and Tupac.

The advertising campaign (because we all know it begins with the marketing) will focus on the amazing journey Macca must go through, and the side-splittingly funny situations he finds himself in along the way. It will be a mainstream hit that is critically acclaimed. It will become a modern day classic, and children will study it in schools. And not just as a lightweight pop culture piece either! We’re talking a Shakespeare replacement here.

Most of all it will be a suitable beneficiary of government funding. It will cause a revolution in the creative industries. The government will finally have something to point to in their defence, when they are criticised for giving thousands of dollars to artists undertaking pieces of work such as those that involve putting the faces of Anthony Mundine, Tony Abbott and Russell Crowe onto pineapples.

You will be able to take your kids and your grandmother to see it. Although they may need to avert their eyes during the climax, as it will be very realistic due to the use of some very expensive special effects. It will be a brutally honest pig hunting scene where Dazza is gored by a MASSIVE pig, and it is up to Macca and Bella to save the day.

Gran and the kids will be on their feet and cheering as Macca saves his mate and wins the heart of Shazza, who shows her appreciation for Macca’s skills with a shotgun:

“Strewth Macca! That pig’s skull is ******* huge! You’re so amazing!”

(I can see a fast food chain tie-in here. “Being a Macca is hard work, and we know that better than anyone…” or “For the real Macca experience…” or “For a breakfast worthy of a pig hunting hero, you can’t go past our triple bacon…”)

Hearts will soar as the curtain comes down on a scene of rednecks having their dreams come true. It will be Shazza’s voice ringing in the ears of the audience as they leave the theatre in a hushed state, contemplating the spectacle they have just borne witness to:

“Macca! Get your ******* pig’s skull off my side of the bed!”

Naturally I’m going to play Shazza.

Bizarre discovery for the day

Yeah, I know I just posted something in here that said I should go to bed, but I had such a super weird thing happen.

I put a new CD in the CD player. It was one with only 4 tracks on it, and I was sure of this as I wanted to listen to one more thing before crashing for the night, so it had to be short.

I looked at the display and it said it had 20 tracks.

I thought the CD player was malfunctioning. Opened it, yep, it was the right CD. Closed it again, still 20 tracks. Skipped through to track 5. Played it. It wasn't a song by the band I was expecting.

Opened it again, took the CD out, and there was the last CD I had played sitting innocently underneath it. Ooooooops!

So there you go! Weird huh? CD stacker!

Well that was a slightly convoluted way of letting you know that you can play a CD with another CD on top of it. May be useful for a little prank one day perhaps.

Probably only works on sleepy people such as myself though.

Now that I've written this, I've realised that it's not that interesting.

Posting it anyway!

O-bla-di O-bla-da life goes on...YEAH!

Going Old Skool with the blog entry title today kids :)

I'm in the mood to watch a light and fluffy movie today. None are available though. Actually I should go to bed.

I can’t believe people aren’t reading this blog! It’s so riveting!

I am feeling sleepy, happy and dopey. Oh the tiredness, what am I saying? No dwarf jokes please! That would be in very poor taste!

Small observation about politics today. Two in one week, most unusual. The first thing you notice about opposition leaders is that they tend to talk loudly and indignantly. I only just noticed today that those who are in the illustrious position of being opposed tend to sound a bit bored. I noticed this for the first time when I was watching the news tonight. They were playing a tape of Alexander Downer commenting on something over the phone. I thought "he sounds incredibly bored," then I realised that he always sounds like that. Then I went through a (very) short list of pollies: Abbott, Howard, Beattie and Carr. They are often bored sounding peeps. Probably get taught it at pollie school.

Fascinating, no?

No.

Anyway, enough of this uninformed stuff. Let's get to something I really know about...

Um...

Myself? Nah. Horses? There's a possibility, but I've been horsing about all day and now I'm all tired and sunburnt. I really must remember that just because I can't see a certain patch of skin, it doesn't mean the sun can't see it*... It's sunscreen dips for the rest of my life! No more burnt backs of the knees!!!



*Personification? What is this blog coming too??? <-- Hope this doesn't hurt your eyes.

Parliamentary Question Time...Listen to this daily with hip shaking and such things!

Argh! Eric Abetz!

Oops! Where are my manners? Make that:

Argh! Senator the Honorable Eric Abetz, Special Minister of State (representing the Minister for Small Business and Tourism, the Minister Assisting the Prime Minister for the Public Service and the Minister for Workforce Participation in the Senate)!

Clearly I've been watching too much "Parliament Oz Style" on TV.

Don't get me wrong. Yes I am a nerd, but no I am not all that into politics. I want to know what's going on, but it is a rare day when I have the time or the motivation to find out. I basically watch political stuff on TV when there is a major issue (or three) going on. Or if there’s a big controversial piece of legislation (or three) being put through.

To me watching Question Time is a bit like watching Cricket. Neither are things I do regularly, and if anyone I know finds out I do either they tend to look at me as if I've grown an extra head or something. I learnt about both when I was in primary school, but unfortunately the retention of useful facts is not great. Mostly I like watching the little bit of human drama as they show close ups of people's reactions to stuff...

And of course I like to try and figure out exactly what the hell is going on! Behind it all is probably a misguided need for some small degree of patriotism. Well, that goes for the cricket bit at least. I've figured out most of the main rules for Cricket, but as for the senate I have only figured out basic things which are undoubtedly covered in politics 101. Here are the three main things beginners such as myself, immediately realise:

"Point of order" - It seems that any time you want to interrupt the senator who the question was asked to, you can pretty much just go right ahead. Any time a senator is asked a question they will of course answer it like a politician. This means that a Point of Order pertaining to relevance will always be, uh, relevant.

"Mr President" – When a senator wishes to say something to someone on the opposition while “answering” a question, they may do so as long as they say “Mr President” in every sentence. This is the main way in which a senator can engage in a bit of small minded political point scoring while maintaining the honourable disposition which their position requires.

"I withdraw" - You can say pretty much anything nasty you like about someone on the other side when you have the floor, as you will merely be asked to withdraw the comment. When asked to withdraw you immediately say "I withdraw" with no emotion in your voice whatsoever. Everyone knows that you meant everything you said, but it looks a bit better this way for the kiddies in the gallery on their school excursion.

Back to Eric Abetz… Last week I would have had no idea who he was if you'd asked me. Although I may have gone, "I think I've seen his face before..." if for some obscure reason you'd shown me his photograph. Not that he actually looks like that anymore...

Anyway, back to the entire point of this entry.

He’s a little bit pompous isn’t he?

I am going to make it through this year, if it kills me

Hmmm, I have a feeling that the title of this post isn't really going to reflect the content...

Love the song though, and The Mountain Goats is a very nice name for a band. Couldn't resist using it, and besides, I couldn't think of anything else! No puns about blogs, no lyrics about having nothing important to say and just prattling on stupidly to myself to fill in time...

Once again I am typing quietly while people are a napping away their saturday. I am also downloading free MP3's from the triple j website. Unfortunately I can't listen to them yet as I have to be so super silent. I just found a song there by Josh Pyke. Very happy about that. Ah, free music! So what if it is painfully slowing down my dodgy dial up connection. For once I am all patience, sunshine, and other nice things with pretty flowers painted on the side!

I shall now mime skipping through a field of daisies while staying very still and quiet at my desk.

*mimes the thing she said she would mime*

There! Wasn't that fun! You can join in if you like!

Ok, before this gets too much like playschool, hi 5 or bear in the big blue house I think I should probably stop there.

But wait! What's that smell? *sniff sniff* Why it's you! Did you just do some baking? You smell just like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies! *sniff sniff*

Am I the only one who finds it disturbing when bear smells his viewers???

I feel like Ringo, and it's ripping my eyes out

Oh the pain! Oh poor me! I am the only person who has ever felt this way in the entire history of the human race! My pain is much more intense than that ever experienced by anyone else! I alone am the one who truly feels! Who truly knows!

I am the complete human experience!

However, I am also a self centred imbecile who uses too many exclamation marks!

Anyhoo, enough of this teen-style spoken word effluent. Best to stop it before I start wearing berets like normal people wear shoes.

Hmm... that really crap simile has given me an idea. I may consider putting in an application for an arts grant. It will be a production where I sing songs from playschool like:

Do you put your hat on your foot?

On your foot?

Your hat on your foot?

Aha!!!!

And when I get to the "Aha!!!!" bit, it will be screamed in a manner which begins as a low growling and ends in a banshee style scream. I will then put berets on my feet in an overly elaborate pantomime fashion and stomp around the stage sneering at the audience.

It will provoke serious discussion on the messages being sent to children by television.




So... how the hell do people actually do stuff like that and take it seriously? And how do the people in charge of giving out the grants not go insane? I would start screaming at people. What the hell are you doing!!!!!! You want money to do what!!!!!!!!

The only time I tried to write anything that was serious and poetic was when I was in high school. It was so appalling I felt embarassed immediately so I destroyed it right there and then. I then became a bit depressed at my inability to write anything meaningful, which made me feel an even stronger urge to "express myself".

I ended up drawing a really angry picture of someone with a cranky face instead. Oh for a 6B pencil!