The heat is in my brain and it wont get out

Can you guess who got bored near some shiny new charcoal? It's my usual rambling, but in drawing form. Some time I'll take a photo and not be too lazy to do it properly.

Meh. Posting it anyway.

Sure, it should look a fair bit better than it does, but I no longer care. Sorry for offending your eyes. I will draw more often so that I will hopefully begin to produce things that I am half happy with. Really not feeling overly drawing-ish at the moment.

One day I'll actually get the hang of ranting, instead of this apologetic/self-conscious/fifty-excuses bullshit.

Look out kids… some swearing! That’s a first step.

Oooh, I could make one of those resolution things that people seem to do when they chuck out their old calendar. That might be fun.

It might also be completely crap. But at the very least it has filled some space in here so that I feel like I have done something. Only two full days to go you know.

To fight the feeling of looming something brought on by my observance of artificial day numbering systems, I will write out some potential resolutions. Undoubtedly I will post them in here.

Perhaps one should be to learn how to not write like a prat/nerd/dumbass/boring-internet-person-with-no-life.

Perhaps.

The heat is in my brain and it wont get out.

It's Christmas! Throw another Ocker on the barbie!

Wish me luck. I’m spending Christmas doing the family thing. A whole three days of it.

That's right, three whole days of novelty gifts and overexcited children! But there will be a pool and airconditioning, so that will be much better than staying here when it gets to 37 degrees on Sunday.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I can’t stay grumpy at this time of year. I am so easily enthused, which can only be a good thing. I can be a happy-happy person with very little effort!

I just remembered that one of the coolest things about Christmas day is watching my dog open his presents! Actually I think he gets more than I do… Ah well, he deserves them! I don’t run up to people wagging my tail like they are the most wonderful person in the world. The little mutt can teach me a lot...

Last year he loved the pressies so much that he started grabbing any unopened present within reach. Most people didn't seem to mind the torn paper and the slobber...

Aw, I love my family!

*snuggles into cosy holiday festive cheeriness*

Festive-ness

Trying not to say something stupid about phoning home this Christmas...

Oops. I guess I just did.

*blush*

I wonder how much you'd get on ebay for this little guy. His glowing finger is broken. Poor thing.

Nah, I could never sell him. He's the closest thing my family's got to an heirloom...

“There ain’t no sanity clause”

Ok, you know I love you and all that stuff. I’m usually pretty easygoing when it comes to Xmas gifts. I’ll go along with almost anything, because I’m a sucker for that whole “It’s the thought that counts” crap.

However, I’ve got a little list here of things that I really really don’t want. In fact I’ll probably never speak to you again if you give them to me. Even if you think they would make an hilarious joke gift, don’t do it. It wont be funny, and you will look like an idiot. Trust me on that, it’s something I know a lot about.

Any of the following gifts would say to me that not only did you put no thought into the gift, you clearly have no brain and wish to let me know that you secretly hate me:

- Personalised number plates with Tweety on them. I saw someone with them today. I had to talk myself out of ramming the back of her car.

- Anything else with Tweety on it. He’s a little yellow bastard.

Actually that’s probably about everything. As I said, I’m pretty easygoing.

Everybody let's stott

Most people don't know what stotting is. I have reached this conclusion because there isn't even a Wikipedia entry on it yet. Apparently it is a bit of zoologist jargon with Scottish origins. Are you interested? Intrigued? Whatever, just keep reading.

An animal is said to be “stotting” when it bounces in the air with all four legs held out straight. They mostly do it when they are being chased by something nasty and hungry. If you watch an African nature docco for long enough you are bound to see a gazelle doing it.

If my memory serves me correctly, the most accepted* hypothetical reason for stotting while escaping from something is that by bouncing in the air you are showing how super fit and healthy you are, while also introducing a random element to confuse them. So basically it is an anti-consumption tactic. "I can outrun you and outmanoeuvre you, so why don’t you just give up now!”

I believe that this is one of those occasions where we can learn valuable lessons from nature.

I have decided that the next time I’m confronted by a large scary person down a dark alley (which would actually be the first time in my life that I’ve ever been confronted by a large scary person down a dark alley) I’ll just stott my way out of trouble!




* A popular alternative hypothesis is that gazelles are lacking that little bit of extra something in the brain cell department.

"Teach me to teach myself"

The title is from a song we used to sing in primary school. Ah memories!

I think I will discuss some things I have learnt this week. I just realised that this is a highly unoriginal thing to be doing, but I never claimed to be original. I am definitely not copying Gregor Stronach, people have been learning things a long time before he started. He is one of my favourite columnists at The Chaser, but my little list will be nothing like his angry man rantings.

1. There are 22 million blogs in existence. That is more than one for every person in Australia. I'm not sure what to think about that.

2. If Australia was a US state (which may happen if our esteemed leader gets his christmas wish) it would be the third largest.

3. I love it when public figures still use their one good photo several years/decades after it was taken. Hmmm, so far this list is things I've learnt today...

4. Australia is in the international news this week for mob violence and tourist murderers. How lovely.

5. I was completely caught by surprise by the violence in Syndey. It seems surreal that it is happening in this country, and it makes me sick to the stomach whenever I see reports of it on the news. I hope that real progress is made to ease the tensions that have apparently been brewing for ages. A resolution without anyone else getting hurt would be nice. This is a dark spot in australian history, and I hope that now it has occurred we will learn many things from it.

6. Googling for sites to link to this little list is quite time consuming. Especially when I get distracted and go off on tangents. Which is every single time.

7. Getting a new load of hay and putting it in a stupid leaky shed just before torrential rain really sucks. I hope that $400 worth of mouldy hay is NOT the end result of this little escapade. This is what happens when you belong to a community where others make decisions and then don't inform everyone of them.

8. I seem to have lost my mother's camera. I borrowed it, but I thought I gave it back. I am hoping that I just put it somewhere stupid.

9. I have just learnt why Mr Gregor Stronach stops his column at 5 things. Although I shouldn't mention him because this list has absolutely nothing to do with him...

10. Lists are better if they do not contain fill in material that has clearly been included to round out the number of points.

"I wish I knew which button to push"

I have an exam tomorrow! It's the first one I've done in.... 4 years! Crikey-bananas that makes me feel old. I can’t believe it's been that long since I finished uni. Wow. And I've achieved so much in that time... At least I get to sit in air conditioned comfort tomorrow while I do the exam. That is one good thing. I'll have trouble leaving again afterwards though. Out into the oppressive heat, which was apparently 40 degrees today. Fabulous.

“I saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus” - victim’s therapy bill to run into the millions

It’s hot and humid, and the smell of sunscreen is in the air! The beach is calling me, and my cousins are all on school holidays. It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

I’ve even done most of my Christmas shopping. I am little miss super organisation this year. Which is brilliant! How good am I! I went to a shopping centre at 9:30 on Saturday morning and it was absolutely over run with frazzled looking people with distant expressions, and very full trolleys.

Here are some suggestions for breaking with your usual Christmas/festive season routine. Don’t do them under any circumstances! People will think you are rude/nerdy/silly/devoid of imagination for doing something you read on a blog.

Suggestion 1
Compile a list of people who you used to be in Christmas card contact with, but who you stopped trading cards with years ago. Go through the list carefully, and cross out any mortal enemies, stalkers, in-laws, etc.

Write each of the remaining people a Christmas card with a heartfelt greeting in it. Something like “May all your Christmas wishes come true”, or pretty much any other greeting ripped off from a greeting card company.

Put the cards in envelopes, address them, stamp them, and put festive stickers on them. You should use a silver pen on a red envelope so that postal workers will receive extra overtime pay. This is the season for giving after all.

Once this is completed, you then wait until the last possible moment before you send them.

Proper planning will ensure that they arrive on the last mail day before Christmas. This will not allow them an opportunity to reply, giving you the upper hand when it comes to the festive cheer pecking order.

The beauty of Goodwill To All/Peace On Earth mind games, is that you will probably get away with them. People only get mad at others for doing manipulative things under the premise of niceness on TV. (True!)

Suggestion 2
When you give presents to people, gush about what a great present it is, and how you can’t wait to see their face when they open it. This is especially good when the present is a bit crap, like a pair of socks with snowmen on them.

Nothing like a bit of performance anxiety at present unwrapping time.

If I received a pair of socks like that I would name them Snowy 1 and Snowy 2

Suggestion 3
Return to your youth and make gifts out of egg cartons and macaroni. Use LOTS of glitter!

That’s not a bad idea actually…

Suggestion 4
Dress as Santa and walk around a busy city shopping centre shouting out Hamlet’s soliloquy.

Suggestion 5
Give everyone the exact same gift. Possibilities include spanners with people’s names written on them, toy camels, wind chimes, or novelty aprons.

The best effect might be achieved by giving everyone matching shirts, but making sure none of them realise that they have all received the same gift. Then invite everyone to an outdoor event in apublic place, and suggest that if they don’t wear the shirt you gave them, that it will be some kind of deep personal affront to your relationship.

Lots of people wearing the same shirt!

I love the silly season. Me = silly. Therefore, this is MY SEASON!

Another collection of oddities... hey that's not a song lyric!

Numero Uno
I've spent way too much time on the computer today. I was blog wandering, as I do occasionally, and I stumbled accross one blog where someone had a stranger Mystery Sock Appearance story than I did. (Sorry if I annoyed you with my comment, if you are reading this...)

I think I may need to try and forget about the whole sock thing.

Ok, I think I may be giving the impression that I have been a little obsessed with my Mystery Sock since it "arrived". I'm not!

It's just that it's sitting in a spot where I see it every day. I see it, and then try to put it out of my mind. But that can be tricky sometimes, you know?

If I start having dreams about it where it puts on a rabbit suit, tells me its name is Frank and that I should burn down houses and stuff, then I'll know things have gone too far.

I don't know that charities really want single sock donations. Seems a shame to throw it out...

Numero Due
If you didn't get where the above bit was from, then I guess I'd better explain that I saw Donnie Darko yesterday. Good film. I liked it.

Tim Minchin's cool thing about it robbed me of some of the confusion I was supposed to experience upon viewing it for the first time.

Still good though.

Very good.

In fact I wont do it justice if I try to write about it now. I am way too tired!

Numero Tre
My favourite German cowboy comedy is on tonight! In ten minutes!!!

In English it is called Manitou’s Shoe. In German, it’s called Der Schuh des Manitu.

Jacqueline!

It's the thought that counts...

Posting a rant in your blog.............. 10 minutes.



Posting a rant on an internet forum................. 20 minutes.



Actually changing someone's opinion.................





Priceless.

"I didn't mean to call you a liar, except when you said you loved me"

Today we have a list of simple things. Likes, dislikes, that kind of thing. Are you excited? But surely, this isn't what blogs were made for! That's right kids, I am stretching the genre to its very limits! Oh the joys of a little boundary push. I'd better be careful or I'll end up in dangerous territory. Not liking certain things publicly may count as sedition, and I wouldn't make much of a martyr to the cause of freedom of speech.

Fortunately, the little ramble above was a load of hog-turnips.

But now THE LIST:

• I don't like strategy games like Monopoly, Draughts (that’s Checkers for our international viewers), Chess, Barrel of Monkeys... (Didja spot the sily joke one? Didja? Didja?). I like to think it is because I do not possess the kind of conniving and deceitful persona required for that kind of thing...
• I like old computer games. I am therefore a nerd. I can admit that. Ah the childhood memories of playing Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? We used to play it in primary school, along with teh Where in time... version, which sucked.
• I don’t like admitting that the real reason that I don’t like strategy games is because I am really crap at them. When I lose I feel stupid. Of course I’m not really stupid. That is a ridiculous suggestion.
• I have a dictionary on my desk that I won when I was in primary school. I won it in some kind of newspaper competition. See? My life is exciting.
• On my desk I also have a webcam, but it doesn’t work. I don’t have a lead for it. It is sitting on top of my computer mocking me. “You lost the lead didn’t you? No wonder you suck at strategy games…”
• I don’t like hospital TV shows. That’s probably because I don’t like hospitals.
• I want to finish this list on a happy upbeat note.
• I am having difficulty thinking of something to do that with.
• Some of my favourite childhood TV shows were Danger Mouse, Monkey Magic, and Count Duckula.
• Oh, and perhaps the highlight of the list... I have just discovered that soy chips are very yummy! Mmmmmmmmm!
  
  
  

Sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I love myself

Sometimes I'm so darn tired, sometimes I'm blurry eyed...

Why do I keep watching question time??? Actually I shouldn't ask kvestions like that. The answer can only be bad. Stuff to do with having too much time on my hands, no life, no brain, etc.

I hate it when the backbench stooge asks a question with "...and is the minister aware of any alternative policies on this issue?"

They then answer with a brief bit about the issue, and then go into smug, ALP bashing mode. It's time wasting, really annoying, and just makes them look like petty little party muppets.

Oh the machine! Are those necessary evils really necessary?

Ok, this is going to get into dangerous territory very shortly, and I am too tired for rantiness on delicate subjects. Like learning just how many Aussies seem to be in favour of the death penalty.

Off to cry myself to sleep now...